Are you a (White) Guilter,  Grant-Sucker or  Do-Gooder Grifter? Would you like to become even more effective in your non-effective hustle?  Have you listened for years to the do-gooder sermons but still feel like you’re not quite the government money-gobbling tool you know you could be? Well, we at EvilNaziRacistHaters, LLC have come up with some tips to help you do just that!

Tone:  Read your little narrative BS about your group like you are 12 and reading a 5th grade book report . Smacking lips and affecting a concerned tone is a plus , always deferring  to big daddy government whenever possible. You want to refer to anything gubbmintish, programs, funding etc., as if you were talking about either a well-loved relative- if professing how great your scam is -or a well-respected but gravely ill relative if you are asking for cash- but don’t actually cry, just sound solemn, serious and sad.

  Speakinrunonsentencesandgrammarthatdoesntmakesense? Drama. The first so you appeal to the young and earnest, the second so you appeal to ego- so the listener can vicariously collude in the ‘Doing Something’ ‘Making a Difference’ scam.  

The more it actually doesn’t make a difference in real life, the more you have to end it on that sacred whispery note , like they do on NPR when they are either giving introductions or saying their good-byes or like they are telling someone about a death. You want to sound like you were just given audience with the freakin pope when you speak about your sacred programs or quote famous people- even if it’s some douchebag  who says things like ‘condensate’ for ‘condescend’. Never correct anyone because that’s just mean, and we all know.. ‘mean people suck!’

Stop in the middle. Of sentences. Just continue. To pause. So that it is hard. To discern any.Critical thinking. About your Point. Or lack of one. Or effectiveness. Of what you’re doing. Also insert the questioning tone? Whenever. You. Want?

    That way, whether or not you have actually made a point, the host or listener is put on the spot of having to affirm whatever you said. Don’t wooorrry so much, their gig and your gig are like two sides of the same door- they want you to look good. Remember, they are not interviewing you to disagree, they won’t ask you to clarify. Just use that tone and people will pretty much answer ‘uh-huh’ or ‘that’s greeeeaaat, Emily, wow you’re doing a lot’  and just skip right on to their next question. You don’t even have to have any real answers, just keep on talking and employing the ? tone.

The.Short.Tiny.Sentences. and questioning tone? also carry a not-so-subtle meta-message that whatever you are saying is already understood and agreed upon by Every Good and Nice Person, while at the same time the tone itself  has a plaintive childlike quality-again asking for approval. If you disagree or question someone who speaks like that, it’s like criticizing a little cute kid who just said something like  ‘that man was mean- people should be nice to animals, right Dad? ‘

A short list of commonly employed words and phraseology :   disproportion-ate/ly/ity,over-representation, access,  community engagement and awareness -use ‘community’ as much as possible. ‘Most vulnerable ‘(insert whatever group: families, people, children) and always say ‘children and families’ together – it sounds like you are doing more for more-play the kid card whenever you can. On board, inclusive, partnership, foundation, progressive …oh and don’t forge adversity…oh, I meant ‘diversity’.

Program(s), Remember, like being too rich or too thin-you can never have too many programs and you can absolutely never have enough funding .

You can even affect a down-home tone, especially if you are white –  ‘fewd for kuh-mew-nah-tees’ It’s not  a regional accent, just pretend you are  talking a little kid out of being scared of the dark or refer back to that grade-school book report thing. Brassy working-class yard-duty teacher may even work if there is something to protest or be angry about, like unfairness or inequality- you want to try to shame the unrepentant into full-on Guilters by the implicit suggestion that  self-hating Guilter-dom isn’t just for uppity Thurston Howell types anymore-and if you are that brassy, working-class type, well maybe some Guilterness might rub off and provide you with the same warm glow the ‘my kid is a whatever’  bumper-sticker glow. If not, well, then you can always be an angry Guilter. You know, like an ex-smoker on a crusade. ‘Not in my town!’

Use the words ‘stories’ and ‘history’ even if there isn’t much in the way of either

Use the word ‘change’ a lot but never anything specific or tangible. Keep it feel-goody and general. If you can get people on for testimonials, so much the better. You can always edit them if they say something unsavory that wouldn’t go over well.

 Use  ‘serve’ even if you are getting paid, maybe especially if you are being paid. Stay away from saying the word ‘job(s) as applied to oneself, only use it for hypothetical jobs you help others get. 

Use the phrase ‘this work’ repeatedly as if it is some kind of holy, monk-like calling instead of just another government made-up program. Guilters especially dig this Holy Works thing. Then they don’t have to feel bad about how your five dollar mochas could buy seven toliets in New Delhi. Also, if you are part of the Holy Work (White) Guilter Association no one will call you bad, scary names, and if they do, just show them your card.

 So, Guilters, Grant-suckers and Grifters, take heart. We’ve got your back.

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